Its days like today I have to ask myself how do you know if the methods you are choosing to raise your kids will ultimately be the best? well the answer is you don't. I do know that screaming back at my children is not the best way, although sometimes that is the easiest way ;)
In one of the parenting seminars I watched she said that there are three things we absolutely can not control with our children. you can't physically make them eat, go to the bathroom, or sleep.
my husband says OH yes you can that just means they don't get off of the toilet until they go (no matter how hard they scream, or if their legs start to get tingly from sitting there so long. and i think eventually sitting in that position their body will tell them they need to let go and go potty) but meals for example. I have many friends (and my husband) who say that kids must sit at the table until X amount of food is gone. Because of my husbands busy work schedule he usually misses all three meals with the family so it is up to me to coax my kids into eating. by dinner I am tuckered out and can only negotiate so much. I could say "you will not leave this table until these bites are gone" but what happens is he just sits there and cries until I want to explode, or he'll literally sit there FOREVER until its time to do something or go somewhere. so who really wins that battle?
In that same parenting seminar she talked about making the punishment fit the crime. So I sit there debating in my own mind (what is a good punishment for this? can i actually implement it? Is it too harsh or not harsh enough?) I've tried to involve him in the process asking "what is a fair consequence for this decision?" of course I have to suggest things and ultimately he agrees with me, but I think that is the important thing I am teaching him. Instead of a battle of wills I am teaching him that there is a consequence to each decision he chooses. (the hardest part is as a parent you HAVE to follow through with it)
Todays example: I gave him some yogurt, cheese and crackers for a snack (because he ate his breakfast/another rule) but when we sat down for lunch and I had made a healthier version of Mac and cheese (not the usual box kind) he quickly decided he was NOT going to eat it. He started crying and asking to go down for his nap. usually I would send him straight to bed. If he was hungry before dinner, oh well, he chose to miss lunch (no snacks until dinner).
but I felt very frustrated! I felt like sending him down for his nap he would win and get out of eating. was being hungry until dinner punishment enough? obviously not because he didn't care and does this ALOT. at the moment my thought was NO! not this time he needs to eat! so I insisted he take a bite. This meant me literally spoon feeding it to him as he screamed and cried. I tried to ignore the crying and constant asking to go to naps. I put down 4 noodles and told him when those were gone he could go to bed.
(well, f I didn't change my tactics he'd probably still be sitting at the table crying)
I though back to the picking and choosing my battles. Was this how I wanted to fight this battle with him? what was he learning from this? mom puts down the food and I won't get down until I eat it? but how did making him sit at the table for hours teach him anything?
In my house we never had crazy rules like you have to sit at the table until your food is gone but what i did know is that I could pig out on snacks all afternoon and therefore not be hungry for dinner, or if I didn't like dinner I could wait until after the dishes were done and everyone was doing their own evening activities I could easily open up the snack cupboard and have at it.
I think this is where you must find balance. you can't just not care and let your kids raise themselves on junk food, but you also can't just fight the battle to always be incharge and right!
(with out just giving up) I told him if he didn't want to eat we needed to talk about it. He said " i really want to take a nap" and I said "well i really want you to eat so we have a problem. how should we solve it?" then we talked about how I had given him a snack and because of it he was not eating his lunch. I told him that this was telling me he could not have snacks before meals and if he chose to go to bed I would take away all snacks for the rest of the week and he agreed.
now does he truly comprehend the severity of NO SNACKS for the WHOLE week? probably not, but we agreed that if he asked for snacks I would warn him that snacks were taken away and if he asked again he would get spankings
(remember at this age approx 3 they have a hard time remembering consequences so you have to find ways to remind them of things you've previously agreed on. we like to draw a picture about whatever we discuss and put it up somewhere to constantly remind him the decision HE made)
now was a whole week a little much? probably and will it be a pain for me ALL week! probably. my husbands theory is you need to be very clear that the parent is in charge and when mom says something you do it! and I agree. your child must know that you are in charge and will not be a pushover, but the lesson I feel like i'm ultimately trying to teach is that there are consequences to all of the decisions YOU choose. if mom chooses all of the decisions and consequences how is the kid suppose to learn? (how silly is it that you could be teaching such an important life lesson through something so simple as eating meals, but every moment with a child is a learning moment)
Like I said I don't claim to be an expert by any means and I constantly ask myself is this the right method? I won't know for 20 years and by then it will be too late ;) but for now the best I can do it try and reason it all out and use these moments to teach my kids instead of be right just for the sake of being the parent and being right. (plus this is a great way to avoid contention/frustration/tears between you and your kids and what mom doesn't want a more peacefully home and relationship with her kids?)
Monday, August 24, 2015
What I learned from Daniel Tiger
We have been having serious anger issues lately with my two and 1/2 year old and I am having the hardest time trying to teach him why it is not ok to throw things/take things/punch people ect. He is actually a very well behaved child but when he does get angry it is like a tornado, quickly touches down, does ALOT of damage, then goes away!
Because of his age he can only understand so much. This means "talking through it" isn't always an option because he just stares at me like "if i sit here and pretend to listen for just a bit longer I know you'll let me leave and go play with my toys" Its times like that I don't know what to do!?
One TV show we have been watching for a long time is Daniel Tiger. It is a cartoon/remake of mr. rogers. It is actually a very cute and sometimes annoying but they have these mini songs that go with each episode. we have tried very hard to use this as a technique and I think it is actually very successful. The one we use the most in our house is "when your feeling frustrated, take a step back and ask for help" but it is so much easier to resort to these little jingles because he remembers them and can relate to them immediately. I don't know how much of a difference this is actually making but this is my attempt to find more creative ways to teach kids who have not fully mentally developed. plus it helps me control myself. All i'm saying is that this is one out of the box method. sometimes its better to let your tv teach the principle and then you inforce it.
with that being said I want to throw out one caution to the wind.... watch the shows your kids watch. make sure they are leaning the things you want them to be learning and that they are not just waisting their time in front of a screen. We are very selective about screen time at our house. what we watch and how long we watch. Kids who are not in school yet don't have a lot of social interaction so they pick up what they watch on the tv. If you don't like how they characters in the show are acting, its time to find something else!
Because of his age he can only understand so much. This means "talking through it" isn't always an option because he just stares at me like "if i sit here and pretend to listen for just a bit longer I know you'll let me leave and go play with my toys" Its times like that I don't know what to do!?
One TV show we have been watching for a long time is Daniel Tiger. It is a cartoon/remake of mr. rogers. It is actually a very cute and sometimes annoying but they have these mini songs that go with each episode. we have tried very hard to use this as a technique and I think it is actually very successful. The one we use the most in our house is "when your feeling frustrated, take a step back and ask for help" but it is so much easier to resort to these little jingles because he remembers them and can relate to them immediately. I don't know how much of a difference this is actually making but this is my attempt to find more creative ways to teach kids who have not fully mentally developed. plus it helps me control myself. All i'm saying is that this is one out of the box method. sometimes its better to let your tv teach the principle and then you inforce it.
with that being said I want to throw out one caution to the wind.... watch the shows your kids watch. make sure they are leaning the things you want them to be learning and that they are not just waisting their time in front of a screen. We are very selective about screen time at our house. what we watch and how long we watch. Kids who are not in school yet don't have a lot of social interaction so they pick up what they watch on the tv. If you don't like how they characters in the show are acting, its time to find something else!
Saturday, April 25, 2015
The Power of Negativity
The other day I was at church and the lesson was taught by a woman who was a motivational speaker. I learned something very interesting from her that I have been applying to my parenting and it has made a HUGE difference. The Power of a Negative Word.
I have been struggling lately with losing my temper with my kids and every day I would pray that I wouldn't lose my temper again. I put sticky notes up around the house to help myself inforce the rules I was trying to teach my two year old : we don't yell, we don't throw our toys, stop running through the house ect.
what this motivational coach taught us is that our brains automatically ignore all negative words so what our brains actually register is: yell, throw toys, run through the house.
So instead of using any negatives in my language I've really been trying to reword things. So when my son is yelling I will say, "lets use our inside voices".
Or when he takes a toy from his sister instead of saying "don't take that" I say "if you want that toy can you go find a different toy for sister and trade her?"
Of course we still have our terrible-two meltdowns. I constantly feel overwhelmed on a day to day basis that my kid won't be able to read by the time he's three, or do fractions by the first grade, or that he will have serious emotional problems as an adult all because I didn't teach him and do things a better way. I love pinterest but I feel even more inadequate as a parents after reading about all the other things these amazing mothers are doing! but.....
this is one simple change that has brought so much peace in our home and really helps me keep my composure. I may not do everything else right but If I could just make one suggestion to improve your parenting it would be this. Get RID OF THE NEGATIVES! It takes practice and it is hard to break years of habit but I promise the reward is worth it!
I have been struggling lately with losing my temper with my kids and every day I would pray that I wouldn't lose my temper again. I put sticky notes up around the house to help myself inforce the rules I was trying to teach my two year old : we don't yell, we don't throw our toys, stop running through the house ect.
what this motivational coach taught us is that our brains automatically ignore all negative words so what our brains actually register is: yell, throw toys, run through the house.
So instead of using any negatives in my language I've really been trying to reword things. So when my son is yelling I will say, "lets use our inside voices".
Or when he takes a toy from his sister instead of saying "don't take that" I say "if you want that toy can you go find a different toy for sister and trade her?"
Of course we still have our terrible-two meltdowns. I constantly feel overwhelmed on a day to day basis that my kid won't be able to read by the time he's three, or do fractions by the first grade, or that he will have serious emotional problems as an adult all because I didn't teach him and do things a better way. I love pinterest but I feel even more inadequate as a parents after reading about all the other things these amazing mothers are doing! but.....
this is one simple change that has brought so much peace in our home and really helps me keep my composure. I may not do everything else right but If I could just make one suggestion to improve your parenting it would be this. Get RID OF THE NEGATIVES! It takes practice and it is hard to break years of habit but I promise the reward is worth it!
Thursday, February 5, 2015
how to avoid unnecessary meltdowns
Has there ever been an unnecessary meltdown in your home? sometimes its the kids and sometimes its you.
A month or two after my husband and I got married we decided to get a puppy. I would suggest this to all newly married couples because, yes, raising a dog together is a lot like raising kids together.
Rizo was a brand new puppy (Chihuahua) He DIDNOT want a barking yappy dog (what chihuahuas are known for) he thought all dogs should live outside and NEVER sleep in the bed. He didn't believe in putting animals in clothing or carrying them around in purses. He thought dogs should be put in the kennel when you left and shouldn't be able to wander around the house. When she went potty in the house he would stick her nose in it, spank her, and send her out side even if there was a food of snow and she disappeared because the snow fall was higher then her whole body. Well, a few dog outfits later, and nights in the bed, and never being left outside for longer then 5 minutes I quickly learned that we had VERY different ideas about how to raise a dog. It was hard for me to watch him punish her when she went potty in the house and to get mad at her for barking (she is a dog that is their natural instinct) but I knew we had to agree to disagree on a few things. But we were always told by people how impressed they were with how we had trained her and what a great dog she was and I knew that was because of how we TOGHER raised her. I did notice however, When he would be gone for a few days or not around to stay consistent in her punishments she would resort back to going potty in the house and barking and most of all not listening to me causing me to get mad at her. When one of us was missing half of the raising was missing.
To avoid unnecessary meltdowns....
step 1. Let the mother do her part and let the father do his part. Now the reason I tell you this story about he dog is because we have had very similar situations with raising our kids. Hubby has always been the disciplinarian. I have learned that it is sometimes hard to watch but I truly believe that is why husbands and wives compliment each other so much. When one of us is missing half of the raising was missing. We each have characteristics that the other lacks. I coach middle school kids and look at kids in single parent homes and can see that those without a father usually lack discipline. Those without a mother lack a sense of security and love. How important it is to have both parents there!!! I strive to have the nurturing skills, my husband is the teacher helping my kids become better people. In his words "How we teach them now is how they will act for the rest of their lives." this is so true. You can't just wait until a magic age hits and you will start teaching them manners or to cleanup their toys. If God wanted us to do it all alone I do not believe he would have created males and females being so emotionally and mentally different.
The best advise my mother gave me when we started raising our children was to step back when dad was trying to teach or discipline. she said if mom is constantly jumping in and saying no no your doing it wrong then dad will shut down and not feel like he has any part in raising the children. but if you want a spouse that will help you with those kids... he needs to know that you trust him and his judgment.
Step 2. You both have to be onboard! Not only in choosing to raise children but agreeing on how to raise your children. Will you raise them in a christian home? will you stay in close contact with both extended families? What family activities are important for you to expose your kids to? How will you deal with ......? I wanted a dog and he didn't but I pushed the issue until I won. This was a similar situation when we decided to have kids. I was ready and he wasn't. No one ever totally feels ready to have kids but if you both are not on board from the get go... let me tell you... it is a very long 9 months. Of course they learn to love that baby as soon as they hold it, but until then (if they are not ready) they have a hard time being excited to tell people, and go to the ultrasound appt, and have a baby shower ect. all of those things we dream about experiencing when we are little girls.
Step 3. What is important to you? what is important to your spouse? we were all raised differentlty but we have to find some middle ground. What are the MOST important things for us to teach our children. I didn't care if the dog barked but it was VERY important to my husband that our dog didn't bark so I agreed to do all I could to help implement the no barking rule because It was important to him and this shows your spouse you support each other. can you find common ground on everything? no......so......
Step 4. Agree to disagree on a FEW issues and beware of the battle of wills. If we are not careful this will turn into i'm right your wrong and you will fight to the death until truly no one wins just feelings get hurt and barriers are built. Before I gave the example of not liking how my husband would punish the dog when potty training but what if I would have stepped in and said "nope, no way I DO NOT like this" i'll tell you what would have happened... we would have never potty trained that dog. When it come to our kids (the most recent example) My husband thinks it is imperative that my son stays at the table to eat his three meals a day and as soon as he gets down his food will be thrown away and he must wait until the next snack or meal given to him. I agree in a sense and tried to implement this rule but I realized it was causing me more stress. which goes into ...
step 5. Pick and choose your battles. so I decided staying at the table was not my battle to fight. number 1 when my son is eating I am usually doing dishes or cleaning or feeding the baby. very rarely am I sitting at the table myself. I usually eat standing up in the kitchen trying to hurry to do the next thing. Am I setting a great example... no but I also can't expect him to follow a rule I myself am not following. But he's two! (people say) he shouldn't get to just do what ever he wants! yes i agree but along with that
step 6. HES' 2! remember who you're dealing with. What is their mental capacity and capabilities at this age? i know for my crazy rambunctious boy sitting still is NOT an option and the fact that he might be missing out on things because he is sitting at the table and not in the front room or the laundry room at my side KILLS him! I have to ask myself why he won't just stay at the table and eat. is it because he's trying to break the rules and be naughty? no he is just curious and has a lot of energy and wants to be with people all of the time. it that worth trying to punish him for?
step 7. Its not all about you anymore. Incase you haven't figured out and I think it takes us a LONG time to come to terms with this... Its not all about me anymore. I've learned that the days I put the things I WANT (not need) to do aside and focus on my kids are the best days. All my son wants is for me to play trains with him or let him sit in my lap and sing songs. Do I feel like I've waisted a lot of time getting nothing done, sure, but in the long run i'm doing something way more important than painting my nails or catching up on the bachelor. Will I get sick of watching the same three little einsteins shows over and over again, sure, but what will my son remember? that his mommy snuggled on the couch with him to watch his favorite show.
Step 8. Finally.... avoid steps to get you to a melt down. A lot of times we ourselves create the environment for a melt down. let me give you an example. A few months ago my husband took our son out golfing with him late in the afternoon. I know that when my husband gets out on the course its like pulling teeth to get him to leave. The sun went down and it started to get dark and they still were not home. My son usually takes a bath and gets ready for bed no later then 8:30 and he is asleep by 9. They didn't get home until 9! and on top of that the only dinner they had eaten was a snickers bar and gatorade! My son had fun but by 9:00 he was tired, cold, hungry and FUSSSY! rushing through the nightly routine I could see my husband quickly losing patients with this little boy and when I stepped back to look at the whole perspective I had no one to blame but ourselves. If we would have been more careful about not keeping him out late and sticking to his nightly routine we wouldn't even be having this melt down. As a adult we have to learn to adapt to things changing but it is not in the nature of any child to be able to adapt. They thrive on schedules and when we go and mess that up, we are creating an unnecessary problem which will lead to an unnecessary meltdown.
So my challenge for all of us, next time our kid is on the verge of a HUGE melt down think about what we have done to get them to that point. are we ignoring them? are we throwing off their schedule? are we expecting too much of them for their age? be cautious of the part you play in creating and solving meltdowns.
A month or two after my husband and I got married we decided to get a puppy. I would suggest this to all newly married couples because, yes, raising a dog together is a lot like raising kids together.
Rizo was a brand new puppy (Chihuahua) He DIDNOT want a barking yappy dog (what chihuahuas are known for) he thought all dogs should live outside and NEVER sleep in the bed. He didn't believe in putting animals in clothing or carrying them around in purses. He thought dogs should be put in the kennel when you left and shouldn't be able to wander around the house. When she went potty in the house he would stick her nose in it, spank her, and send her out side even if there was a food of snow and she disappeared because the snow fall was higher then her whole body. Well, a few dog outfits later, and nights in the bed, and never being left outside for longer then 5 minutes I quickly learned that we had VERY different ideas about how to raise a dog. It was hard for me to watch him punish her when she went potty in the house and to get mad at her for barking (she is a dog that is their natural instinct) but I knew we had to agree to disagree on a few things. But we were always told by people how impressed they were with how we had trained her and what a great dog she was and I knew that was because of how we TOGHER raised her. I did notice however, When he would be gone for a few days or not around to stay consistent in her punishments she would resort back to going potty in the house and barking and most of all not listening to me causing me to get mad at her. When one of us was missing half of the raising was missing.
To avoid unnecessary meltdowns....
step 1. Let the mother do her part and let the father do his part. Now the reason I tell you this story about he dog is because we have had very similar situations with raising our kids. Hubby has always been the disciplinarian. I have learned that it is sometimes hard to watch but I truly believe that is why husbands and wives compliment each other so much. When one of us is missing half of the raising was missing. We each have characteristics that the other lacks. I coach middle school kids and look at kids in single parent homes and can see that those without a father usually lack discipline. Those without a mother lack a sense of security and love. How important it is to have both parents there!!! I strive to have the nurturing skills, my husband is the teacher helping my kids become better people. In his words "How we teach them now is how they will act for the rest of their lives." this is so true. You can't just wait until a magic age hits and you will start teaching them manners or to cleanup their toys. If God wanted us to do it all alone I do not believe he would have created males and females being so emotionally and mentally different.
The best advise my mother gave me when we started raising our children was to step back when dad was trying to teach or discipline. she said if mom is constantly jumping in and saying no no your doing it wrong then dad will shut down and not feel like he has any part in raising the children. but if you want a spouse that will help you with those kids... he needs to know that you trust him and his judgment.
Step 2. You both have to be onboard! Not only in choosing to raise children but agreeing on how to raise your children. Will you raise them in a christian home? will you stay in close contact with both extended families? What family activities are important for you to expose your kids to? How will you deal with ......? I wanted a dog and he didn't but I pushed the issue until I won. This was a similar situation when we decided to have kids. I was ready and he wasn't. No one ever totally feels ready to have kids but if you both are not on board from the get go... let me tell you... it is a very long 9 months. Of course they learn to love that baby as soon as they hold it, but until then (if they are not ready) they have a hard time being excited to tell people, and go to the ultrasound appt, and have a baby shower ect. all of those things we dream about experiencing when we are little girls.
Step 3. What is important to you? what is important to your spouse? we were all raised differentlty but we have to find some middle ground. What are the MOST important things for us to teach our children. I didn't care if the dog barked but it was VERY important to my husband that our dog didn't bark so I agreed to do all I could to help implement the no barking rule because It was important to him and this shows your spouse you support each other. can you find common ground on everything? no......so......
Step 4. Agree to disagree on a FEW issues and beware of the battle of wills. If we are not careful this will turn into i'm right your wrong and you will fight to the death until truly no one wins just feelings get hurt and barriers are built. Before I gave the example of not liking how my husband would punish the dog when potty training but what if I would have stepped in and said "nope, no way I DO NOT like this" i'll tell you what would have happened... we would have never potty trained that dog. When it come to our kids (the most recent example) My husband thinks it is imperative that my son stays at the table to eat his three meals a day and as soon as he gets down his food will be thrown away and he must wait until the next snack or meal given to him. I agree in a sense and tried to implement this rule but I realized it was causing me more stress. which goes into ...
step 5. Pick and choose your battles. so I decided staying at the table was not my battle to fight. number 1 when my son is eating I am usually doing dishes or cleaning or feeding the baby. very rarely am I sitting at the table myself. I usually eat standing up in the kitchen trying to hurry to do the next thing. Am I setting a great example... no but I also can't expect him to follow a rule I myself am not following. But he's two! (people say) he shouldn't get to just do what ever he wants! yes i agree but along with that
step 6. HES' 2! remember who you're dealing with. What is their mental capacity and capabilities at this age? i know for my crazy rambunctious boy sitting still is NOT an option and the fact that he might be missing out on things because he is sitting at the table and not in the front room or the laundry room at my side KILLS him! I have to ask myself why he won't just stay at the table and eat. is it because he's trying to break the rules and be naughty? no he is just curious and has a lot of energy and wants to be with people all of the time. it that worth trying to punish him for?
step 7. Its not all about you anymore. Incase you haven't figured out and I think it takes us a LONG time to come to terms with this... Its not all about me anymore. I've learned that the days I put the things I WANT (not need) to do aside and focus on my kids are the best days. All my son wants is for me to play trains with him or let him sit in my lap and sing songs. Do I feel like I've waisted a lot of time getting nothing done, sure, but in the long run i'm doing something way more important than painting my nails or catching up on the bachelor. Will I get sick of watching the same three little einsteins shows over and over again, sure, but what will my son remember? that his mommy snuggled on the couch with him to watch his favorite show.
Step 8. Finally.... avoid steps to get you to a melt down. A lot of times we ourselves create the environment for a melt down. let me give you an example. A few months ago my husband took our son out golfing with him late in the afternoon. I know that when my husband gets out on the course its like pulling teeth to get him to leave. The sun went down and it started to get dark and they still were not home. My son usually takes a bath and gets ready for bed no later then 8:30 and he is asleep by 9. They didn't get home until 9! and on top of that the only dinner they had eaten was a snickers bar and gatorade! My son had fun but by 9:00 he was tired, cold, hungry and FUSSSY! rushing through the nightly routine I could see my husband quickly losing patients with this little boy and when I stepped back to look at the whole perspective I had no one to blame but ourselves. If we would have been more careful about not keeping him out late and sticking to his nightly routine we wouldn't even be having this melt down. As a adult we have to learn to adapt to things changing but it is not in the nature of any child to be able to adapt. They thrive on schedules and when we go and mess that up, we are creating an unnecessary problem which will lead to an unnecessary meltdown.
So my challenge for all of us, next time our kid is on the verge of a HUGE melt down think about what we have done to get them to that point. are we ignoring them? are we throwing off their schedule? are we expecting too much of them for their age? be cautious of the part you play in creating and solving meltdowns.
Friday, November 14, 2014
How will I handle this in 10 years
Today I was getting my oldest little sunshine down for a nap and changing my other ones diaper when I thought back to the first few months of being a mom. Nobody told me how incredibly hard it was going to be. I almost wish there was an easy to read, realistic book on what to expect! (although I did enjoy reading Mother Shock by Andrea Buchanan) Luckily my second baby doesn't cry nearly as much as my first did but I thought back on one specific night I was sitting in the rocking chair nursing which was extremely painful at the time after a long crying session with my baby and tears were just streaming down my cheek. My poor husband standing across the room looked at me with sadness in his eyes and asked what he could do to help, knowing that unless he quit his job and started nursing this baby for me, he would never know what I was going through. I was so upset I couldn't even talk I just kept crying and nodded no. I've heard that part of the training they put soldiers through is to listen to the sounds of a baby cry and cry and cry. This breaks them down mentally and emotionally. I don't know if that is true but I'd believe it. Listening to kids cry and whine is not for the faint of heart!
Two years and another baby later, I look back on experiences like that and hope that some day I can offer advise that I wish I would have received in those dark moments. I've heard many different suggestions on ways to be a better parent, live in the moment, not be an angry yelling parent, ect. If Im ever going to give advise some day to those who might need it, I need to start by writing it down before I forget myself how hard the struggles truly are. I know the good of children in our life can totally out weigh the bad (if we choose to live that way) but it doesn't mean the inevitable, that the bad will still come.
For a two year old, my sunshine can actually talk very well along with sign ASL. There are very few times that I can't understand what he wants. I've been told, think of how frustrated you are when you can't understand your children.... they are just as frustrated because you don't understand what they are trying to say. This is when the tantrums start and it goes down hill from there. I think of that night many years ago when my poor baby was crying and all I could do was feel sorry for myself. How hard was he just trying to communicate with me a simple need like i'm hungry or tired. This is when I think to my self, How would I handle this in 10 years?
What I mean by that is some day when my son is in his twenties and says mom I need to talk I will sit down with him and listen. He may poor his heart out about proposing to a young woman and her not excepting. I imagine this won't be a ten minute conversation. I know without a doubt in my mind as his mother, I will be there to listen and console and hug him and cry with him and feel his pain. I imagine my little princess coming to me as a young teenager ready to cry her eyes out about her first break up. Again, I will be there whole heartedly. Now I think of that little boy at two years old blabbering to me with tears in his eyes about something but I have no idea what it is. Is this moment less important then the one I just described in the future? We grab a kids toy out of their hands and demand that they share with a friend and they have a meltdown. We scold them and tell them to stop crying. How would we feel if someone snatched our iPad and demanded we share? or took the keys to our brand new Mercedes and said "it's just a car" I'd be upset!
Just the other day I was rushing in the door from a basketball game trying to throw together the rest of a meal I had prepared for the neighbors. my son said "mommy potty" Instead of taking a moment to address his needs or think of how hard my husband was working, I brushed him off to his dad who was busy shoveling ours and the neighbors drive way before it turned to ice. I stuck my head out the door and snapped that I needed help finishing this dinner saying "priorities honey priorities. this is a priority now!" Dad came in only to report that our son had wet his pants. I mention dad because he was busy just like me but I felt like what I was doing was much more important. I feel silly and selfish about the whole thing now but in that moment only my things took priority. so not only did I ignore my sons needs, but my husband as well. We have been stressing during potty training how important it is to tell an adult when he needed to go and when he finally told an adult, he got ignored.
Don't Ignore or brush off your kids! I don't want to be that mother that expects my family to communicate and turn to each other when those are not the principles I'm showing everyday. Even, and especially, through the eyes of a two year old. We watch everyday how quickly our little sunshine picks up on what we do. He copies us word for word, he mimics his dads every move. This is the time to start. Treat it like its the future now! imagine those sweet little people climbing on your lap to tell you something that is SO important to them. Will we brush them away because we are busy on Pinterest or in the middle of a candy crush game? (my husband and I are both guilty of this) even if you don't have a CLUE what they are saying you nod your head like you understand, offer then a hug and a kiss and ask how you can help! Teach them now that they are your first priority and you are a safe place to go in times of distress. What seems like such and unimportant or menial thing is huge in the eyes of a child. we have to try to understand the way they feel about things. If I don't learn to listen to my children now, how will they handle this in 10 years? who will they go to when the proposal goes wrong or the break up happens? Probably not me
Two years and another baby later, I look back on experiences like that and hope that some day I can offer advise that I wish I would have received in those dark moments. I've heard many different suggestions on ways to be a better parent, live in the moment, not be an angry yelling parent, ect. If Im ever going to give advise some day to those who might need it, I need to start by writing it down before I forget myself how hard the struggles truly are. I know the good of children in our life can totally out weigh the bad (if we choose to live that way) but it doesn't mean the inevitable, that the bad will still come.
For a two year old, my sunshine can actually talk very well along with sign ASL. There are very few times that I can't understand what he wants. I've been told, think of how frustrated you are when you can't understand your children.... they are just as frustrated because you don't understand what they are trying to say. This is when the tantrums start and it goes down hill from there. I think of that night many years ago when my poor baby was crying and all I could do was feel sorry for myself. How hard was he just trying to communicate with me a simple need like i'm hungry or tired. This is when I think to my self, How would I handle this in 10 years?
What I mean by that is some day when my son is in his twenties and says mom I need to talk I will sit down with him and listen. He may poor his heart out about proposing to a young woman and her not excepting. I imagine this won't be a ten minute conversation. I know without a doubt in my mind as his mother, I will be there to listen and console and hug him and cry with him and feel his pain. I imagine my little princess coming to me as a young teenager ready to cry her eyes out about her first break up. Again, I will be there whole heartedly. Now I think of that little boy at two years old blabbering to me with tears in his eyes about something but I have no idea what it is. Is this moment less important then the one I just described in the future? We grab a kids toy out of their hands and demand that they share with a friend and they have a meltdown. We scold them and tell them to stop crying. How would we feel if someone snatched our iPad and demanded we share? or took the keys to our brand new Mercedes and said "it's just a car" I'd be upset!
Just the other day I was rushing in the door from a basketball game trying to throw together the rest of a meal I had prepared for the neighbors. my son said "mommy potty" Instead of taking a moment to address his needs or think of how hard my husband was working, I brushed him off to his dad who was busy shoveling ours and the neighbors drive way before it turned to ice. I stuck my head out the door and snapped that I needed help finishing this dinner saying "priorities honey priorities. this is a priority now!" Dad came in only to report that our son had wet his pants. I mention dad because he was busy just like me but I felt like what I was doing was much more important. I feel silly and selfish about the whole thing now but in that moment only my things took priority. so not only did I ignore my sons needs, but my husband as well. We have been stressing during potty training how important it is to tell an adult when he needed to go and when he finally told an adult, he got ignored.
Don't Ignore or brush off your kids! I don't want to be that mother that expects my family to communicate and turn to each other when those are not the principles I'm showing everyday. Even, and especially, through the eyes of a two year old. We watch everyday how quickly our little sunshine picks up on what we do. He copies us word for word, he mimics his dads every move. This is the time to start. Treat it like its the future now! imagine those sweet little people climbing on your lap to tell you something that is SO important to them. Will we brush them away because we are busy on Pinterest or in the middle of a candy crush game? (my husband and I are both guilty of this) even if you don't have a CLUE what they are saying you nod your head like you understand, offer then a hug and a kiss and ask how you can help! Teach them now that they are your first priority and you are a safe place to go in times of distress. What seems like such and unimportant or menial thing is huge in the eyes of a child. we have to try to understand the way they feel about things. If I don't learn to listen to my children now, how will they handle this in 10 years? who will they go to when the proposal goes wrong or the break up happens? Probably not me
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