how to avoid unnecessary meltdowns

Has there ever been an unnecessary meltdown in your home? sometimes its the kids and sometimes its you.

A month or two after my husband and I got married we decided to get a puppy. I would suggest this to all newly married couples because, yes, raising a dog together is a lot like raising kids together.

 Rizo was a brand new puppy (Chihuahua) He DIDNOT want a barking yappy dog (what chihuahuas are known for) he thought all dogs should live outside and NEVER sleep in the bed. He didn't believe in putting animals in clothing or carrying them around in purses. He thought dogs should be put in the kennel when you left and shouldn't be able to wander around the house. When she went potty in the house he would stick her nose in it, spank her, and send her out side even if there was a food of snow and she disappeared because the snow fall was higher then her whole body. Well, a few dog outfits later, and nights in the bed, and never being left outside for longer then 5 minutes  I quickly learned that we had VERY different ideas about how to raise a dog. It was hard for me to watch him punish her when she went potty in the house and to get mad at her for barking (she is a dog that is their natural instinct) but I knew we had to agree to disagree on a few things. But we were always told by people how impressed they were with how we had trained her and what a great dog she was and I knew that was because of how we TOGHER raised her. I did notice however, When he would be gone for a few days or not around to stay consistent in her punishments she would resort back to going potty in the house and barking and most of all not listening to me causing me to get mad at her. When one of us was missing half of the raising was missing.

To avoid unnecessary meltdowns....

step 1. Let the mother do her part and let the father do his part. Now the reason I tell you this story about he dog is because we have had very similar situations with raising our kids. Hubby has always been the disciplinarian. I have learned that it is sometimes hard to watch but I truly believe that is why husbands and wives compliment each other so much. When one of us is missing half of the raising was missing. We each have characteristics that the other lacks. I coach middle school kids and look at kids in single parent homes and can see that those without a father usually lack discipline. Those without a mother lack a sense of security and love. How important it is to have both parents there!!! I strive to have the nurturing skills, my husband is the teacher helping my kids become better people. In his words "How we teach them now is how they will act for the rest of their lives." this is so true. You can't just wait until a magic age hits and you will start teaching them manners or to cleanup their toys. If God wanted us to do it all alone I do not believe he would have created males and females being so emotionally and mentally different.
The best advise my mother gave me when we started raising our children was to step back when dad was trying to teach or discipline. she said  if mom is constantly jumping in and saying no no your doing it wrong then dad will shut down and not feel like he has any part in raising the children. but if you want a spouse that will help you with those kids... he needs to know that you trust him and his judgment.

Step 2. You both have to be onboard! Not only in choosing to raise children but agreeing on how to raise your children. Will you raise them in a christian home? will you stay in close contact with both extended families? What family activities are important for you to expose your kids to? How will you deal with ......?  I wanted a dog and he didn't but I pushed the issue until I won. This was a similar situation when we decided to have kids. I was ready and he wasn't. No one ever totally feels ready to have kids but if you both are not on board from the get go... let me tell you... it is a very long 9 months. Of course they learn to love that baby as soon as they hold it, but until then (if they are not ready) they have a hard time being excited to tell people, and go to the ultrasound appt, and have a baby shower ect. all of  those things we dream about experiencing when we are little girls.

Step 3. What is important to you? what is important to your spouse? we were all raised differentlty but we have to find some middle ground. What are the MOST important things for us to teach our children. I didn't care if the dog barked but it was VERY important to my husband that our dog didn't bark so I agreed to do all I could to help implement the no barking rule because It was important to him and this shows your spouse you support each other. can you find common ground on everything? no......so......

Step 4. Agree to disagree on a FEW issues and beware of the battle of wills. If we are not careful this will turn into i'm right your wrong and you will fight to the death until truly no one wins just feelings get hurt and barriers are built. Before I gave the example of not liking how my husband would punish the dog when potty training but what if I would have stepped in and said "nope, no way I DO NOT like this" i'll tell you what would have happened... we would have never potty trained that dog. When it come to our kids (the most recent example) My husband thinks it is imperative that my son stays at the table to eat his three meals a day and as soon as he gets down his food will be thrown away and he must wait until the next snack or meal given to him. I agree in a sense and tried to implement this rule but I realized it was causing me more stress. which goes into ...

step 5. Pick and choose your battles. so I decided staying at the table was not my battle to fight. number 1 when my son is eating I am usually doing dishes or cleaning or feeding the baby. very rarely am I sitting at the table myself. I usually eat standing up in the kitchen trying to hurry to do the next thing. Am I setting a great example... no but I also can't expect him to follow a rule I myself am not following. But he's two! (people say) he shouldn't get to just do what ever he wants! yes i agree but along with that

step 6. HES' 2! remember who you're dealing with. What is their mental capacity and capabilities at this age? i know for my crazy rambunctious boy sitting still is NOT an option and the fact that he might be missing out on things because he is sitting at the table and not in the front room or the laundry room at my side KILLS him! I have to ask myself why he won't just stay at the table and eat. is it because he's trying to break the rules and be naughty? no he is just curious and has a lot of energy and wants to be with people all of the time. it that worth trying to punish him for?

step 7. Its not all about you anymore. Incase you haven't figured out and I think it takes us a LONG time to come to terms with this... Its not all about me anymore. I've learned that the days I put the things I WANT (not need) to do aside and focus on my kids are the best days. All my son wants is for me to play trains with him or let him sit in my lap and sing songs. Do I feel like I've waisted a lot of time getting nothing done, sure, but in the long run i'm doing something way more important than painting my nails or catching up on the bachelor. Will I get sick of watching the same three little einsteins shows over and over again, sure, but what will my son remember? that his mommy snuggled on the couch with him to watch his favorite show.

Step 8. Finally.... avoid steps to get you to a melt down. A lot of times we ourselves create the environment for a melt down. let me give you an example. A few months ago my husband took our son out golfing with him late in the afternoon. I know that when my husband gets out on the course its like pulling teeth to get him to leave. The sun went down and it started to get dark and they still were not home. My son usually takes a bath and gets ready for bed no later then 8:30 and he is asleep by 9. They didn't get home until 9! and on top of that the only dinner they had eaten was a snickers bar and gatorade! My son had fun but by 9:00 he was tired, cold, hungry and FUSSSY! rushing through the nightly routine I could see my husband quickly losing patients with this little boy and when I stepped back to look at the whole perspective I had no one to blame but ourselves. If we would have been more careful about not keeping him out late and sticking to his nightly routine we wouldn't even be having this melt down. As a adult we have to learn to adapt to things changing but it is not in the nature of any child to be able to adapt. They thrive on schedules and when we go and mess that up, we are creating an unnecessary problem which will lead to an unnecessary meltdown.

So my challenge for all of us, next time our kid is on the verge of a HUGE melt down think about what we have done to get them to that point. are we ignoring them? are we throwing off their schedule? are we expecting too much of them for their age? be cautious of the part you play in creating and solving meltdowns.

How will I handle this in 10 years

Today I was getting my oldest little sunshine down for a nap and changing my other ones diaper when I thought back to the first few months of being a mom. Nobody told me how incredibly hard it was going to be. I almost wish there was an easy to read, realistic book on what to expect! (although I did enjoy reading Mother Shock by Andrea Buchanan) Luckily my second baby doesn't cry nearly as much as my first did but I thought back on one specific night I was sitting in the rocking chair nursing which was extremely painful at the time after a long crying session with my baby and tears were just streaming down my cheek. My poor husband standing across the room looked at me with sadness in his eyes and asked what he could do to help, knowing that unless he quit his job and started nursing this baby for me, he would never know what I was going through. I was so upset I couldn't even talk I just kept crying and nodded no. I've heard that part of the training they put soldiers through is to listen to the sounds of a baby cry and cry and cry. This breaks them down mentally and emotionally. I don't know if that is true but I'd believe it. Listening to kids cry and whine is not for the faint of heart!

Two years and another baby later, I look back on experiences like that and hope that some day I can offer advise that I wish I would have received in those dark moments. I've heard many different suggestions on ways to be a better parent, live in the moment, not be an angry yelling parent, ect. If Im ever going to give advise some day to those who might need it, I need to start by writing it down before I forget myself how hard the struggles truly are. I know the good of children in our life can totally out weigh the bad (if we choose to live that way) but it doesn't mean the inevitable, that the bad will still come.

For a two year old, my sunshine can actually talk very well along with sign ASL. There are very few times that I can't understand what he wants. I've been told, think of how frustrated you are when you can't understand your children.... they are just as frustrated because you don't understand what they are trying to say. This is when the tantrums start and it goes down hill from there. I think of that night many years ago when my poor baby was crying and all I could do was feel sorry for myself. How hard was he just trying to communicate with me a simple need like i'm hungry or tired. This is when I think to my self, How would I handle this in 10 years?

What I mean by that is some day when my son is in his twenties and says mom I need to talk I will sit down with him and listen. He may poor his heart out about proposing to a young woman and her not excepting. I imagine this won't be a ten minute conversation. I know without a doubt in my mind as his mother, I will be there to listen and console and hug him and cry with him and feel his pain. I imagine my little princess coming to me as a young teenager ready to cry her eyes out about her first break up. Again, I will be there whole heartedly. Now I think of that little boy at two years old blabbering to me with tears in his eyes about something but I have no idea what it is. Is this moment less important then the one I just described in the future? We grab a kids toy out of their hands and demand that they share with a friend and they have a meltdown. We scold them and tell them to stop crying. How would we feel if someone snatched our iPad and demanded we share? or took the keys to our brand new Mercedes and said "it's just a car"  I'd be upset!

 Just the other day I was rushing in the door from a basketball game trying to throw together the rest of a meal I had prepared for the neighbors. my son said "mommy potty" Instead of taking a moment to address his needs or think of how hard my husband was working, I brushed him off to his dad who was busy shoveling ours and the neighbors drive way before it turned to ice. I stuck my head out the door and snapped that I needed help finishing this dinner saying "priorities honey priorities. this is a priority now!" Dad came in only to report that our son had wet his pants. I mention dad because he was busy just like me but I felt like what I was doing was much more important. I feel silly and selfish about the whole thing now but in that moment only my things took priority. so not only did I ignore my sons needs, but my husband as well. We have been stressing during potty training how important it is to tell an adult when he needed to go and when he finally told an adult, he got ignored.

Don't Ignore or brush off your kids! I don't want to be that mother that expects my family to communicate and turn to each other when those are not the principles I'm showing everyday. Even, and especially, through the eyes of a two year old. We watch everyday how quickly our little sunshine picks up on what we do. He copies us word for word, he mimics his dads every move. This is the time to start. Treat it like its the future now! imagine those sweet little people climbing on your lap to tell you something that is SO important to them. Will we brush them away because we are busy on Pinterest or in the middle of a candy crush game? (my husband and I are both guilty of this) even if you don't have a CLUE what they are saying you nod your head like you understand, offer then a hug and a kiss and ask how you can help! Teach them now that they are your first priority and you are a safe place to go in times of distress. What seems like such and unimportant or menial thing is huge in the eyes of a child. we have to try to understand the way they feel about things. If I don't learn to listen to my children now, how will they handle this in 10 years? who will they go to when the proposal goes wrong or the break up happens? Probably not me

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