how to avoid unnecessary meltdowns

Has there ever been an unnecessary meltdown in your home? sometimes its the kids and sometimes its you.

A month or two after my husband and I got married we decided to get a puppy. I would suggest this to all newly married couples because, yes, raising a dog together is a lot like raising kids together.

 Rizo was a brand new puppy (Chihuahua) He DIDNOT want a barking yappy dog (what chihuahuas are known for) he thought all dogs should live outside and NEVER sleep in the bed. He didn't believe in putting animals in clothing or carrying them around in purses. He thought dogs should be put in the kennel when you left and shouldn't be able to wander around the house. When she went potty in the house he would stick her nose in it, spank her, and send her out side even if there was a food of snow and she disappeared because the snow fall was higher then her whole body. Well, a few dog outfits later, and nights in the bed, and never being left outside for longer then 5 minutes  I quickly learned that we had VERY different ideas about how to raise a dog. It was hard for me to watch him punish her when she went potty in the house and to get mad at her for barking (she is a dog that is their natural instinct) but I knew we had to agree to disagree on a few things. But we were always told by people how impressed they were with how we had trained her and what a great dog she was and I knew that was because of how we TOGHER raised her. I did notice however, When he would be gone for a few days or not around to stay consistent in her punishments she would resort back to going potty in the house and barking and most of all not listening to me causing me to get mad at her. When one of us was missing half of the raising was missing.

To avoid unnecessary meltdowns....

step 1. Let the mother do her part and let the father do his part. Now the reason I tell you this story about he dog is because we have had very similar situations with raising our kids. Hubby has always been the disciplinarian. I have learned that it is sometimes hard to watch but I truly believe that is why husbands and wives compliment each other so much. When one of us is missing half of the raising was missing. We each have characteristics that the other lacks. I coach middle school kids and look at kids in single parent homes and can see that those without a father usually lack discipline. Those without a mother lack a sense of security and love. How important it is to have both parents there!!! I strive to have the nurturing skills, my husband is the teacher helping my kids become better people. In his words "How we teach them now is how they will act for the rest of their lives." this is so true. You can't just wait until a magic age hits and you will start teaching them manners or to cleanup their toys. If God wanted us to do it all alone I do not believe he would have created males and females being so emotionally and mentally different.
The best advise my mother gave me when we started raising our children was to step back when dad was trying to teach or discipline. she said  if mom is constantly jumping in and saying no no your doing it wrong then dad will shut down and not feel like he has any part in raising the children. but if you want a spouse that will help you with those kids... he needs to know that you trust him and his judgment.

Step 2. You both have to be onboard! Not only in choosing to raise children but agreeing on how to raise your children. Will you raise them in a christian home? will you stay in close contact with both extended families? What family activities are important for you to expose your kids to? How will you deal with ......?  I wanted a dog and he didn't but I pushed the issue until I won. This was a similar situation when we decided to have kids. I was ready and he wasn't. No one ever totally feels ready to have kids but if you both are not on board from the get go... let me tell you... it is a very long 9 months. Of course they learn to love that baby as soon as they hold it, but until then (if they are not ready) they have a hard time being excited to tell people, and go to the ultrasound appt, and have a baby shower ect. all of  those things we dream about experiencing when we are little girls.

Step 3. What is important to you? what is important to your spouse? we were all raised differentlty but we have to find some middle ground. What are the MOST important things for us to teach our children. I didn't care if the dog barked but it was VERY important to my husband that our dog didn't bark so I agreed to do all I could to help implement the no barking rule because It was important to him and this shows your spouse you support each other. can you find common ground on everything? no......so......

Step 4. Agree to disagree on a FEW issues and beware of the battle of wills. If we are not careful this will turn into i'm right your wrong and you will fight to the death until truly no one wins just feelings get hurt and barriers are built. Before I gave the example of not liking how my husband would punish the dog when potty training but what if I would have stepped in and said "nope, no way I DO NOT like this" i'll tell you what would have happened... we would have never potty trained that dog. When it come to our kids (the most recent example) My husband thinks it is imperative that my son stays at the table to eat his three meals a day and as soon as he gets down his food will be thrown away and he must wait until the next snack or meal given to him. I agree in a sense and tried to implement this rule but I realized it was causing me more stress. which goes into ...

step 5. Pick and choose your battles. so I decided staying at the table was not my battle to fight. number 1 when my son is eating I am usually doing dishes or cleaning or feeding the baby. very rarely am I sitting at the table myself. I usually eat standing up in the kitchen trying to hurry to do the next thing. Am I setting a great example... no but I also can't expect him to follow a rule I myself am not following. But he's two! (people say) he shouldn't get to just do what ever he wants! yes i agree but along with that

step 6. HES' 2! remember who you're dealing with. What is their mental capacity and capabilities at this age? i know for my crazy rambunctious boy sitting still is NOT an option and the fact that he might be missing out on things because he is sitting at the table and not in the front room or the laundry room at my side KILLS him! I have to ask myself why he won't just stay at the table and eat. is it because he's trying to break the rules and be naughty? no he is just curious and has a lot of energy and wants to be with people all of the time. it that worth trying to punish him for?

step 7. Its not all about you anymore. Incase you haven't figured out and I think it takes us a LONG time to come to terms with this... Its not all about me anymore. I've learned that the days I put the things I WANT (not need) to do aside and focus on my kids are the best days. All my son wants is for me to play trains with him or let him sit in my lap and sing songs. Do I feel like I've waisted a lot of time getting nothing done, sure, but in the long run i'm doing something way more important than painting my nails or catching up on the bachelor. Will I get sick of watching the same three little einsteins shows over and over again, sure, but what will my son remember? that his mommy snuggled on the couch with him to watch his favorite show.

Step 8. Finally.... avoid steps to get you to a melt down. A lot of times we ourselves create the environment for a melt down. let me give you an example. A few months ago my husband took our son out golfing with him late in the afternoon. I know that when my husband gets out on the course its like pulling teeth to get him to leave. The sun went down and it started to get dark and they still were not home. My son usually takes a bath and gets ready for bed no later then 8:30 and he is asleep by 9. They didn't get home until 9! and on top of that the only dinner they had eaten was a snickers bar and gatorade! My son had fun but by 9:00 he was tired, cold, hungry and FUSSSY! rushing through the nightly routine I could see my husband quickly losing patients with this little boy and when I stepped back to look at the whole perspective I had no one to blame but ourselves. If we would have been more careful about not keeping him out late and sticking to his nightly routine we wouldn't even be having this melt down. As a adult we have to learn to adapt to things changing but it is not in the nature of any child to be able to adapt. They thrive on schedules and when we go and mess that up, we are creating an unnecessary problem which will lead to an unnecessary meltdown.

So my challenge for all of us, next time our kid is on the verge of a HUGE melt down think about what we have done to get them to that point. are we ignoring them? are we throwing off their schedule? are we expecting too much of them for their age? be cautious of the part you play in creating and solving meltdowns.